ScallionLove

I put Bob and Gretta's pictures back in my Italy photo album today. There are pictures of Gretta and I with our arms around each other. Goofy pictures of Bob. And, group shots of everyone on the trip - all set amidst the glow of the Tuscan countryside.

As I type this i'm listening to "Songbird" by Eva Cassidy. I couldn't think of a more appropriate sentiment. In it, she sings, "I love you like never before." Since their engagement - and my initial downward spiral into outrage - i've felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Like, the thing that I most feared happened and brought with it the peace of mind i've craved for almost two years. In my most secret, benevolent heart, I am happy for them. In letting go and in loving both of them - like never before - I am free.

As I put the pictures back, I remembered each place and each person's luminous face. I felt whole. As I put the pieces of my broken album back together, I removed the wrenching vices which bastardized my memories and the pure joy they provided me. I realized that my love affair with Bob is still mine. And, in that place, in the summer of 2005, I still have that. And, my friendship with Gretta and the strange, naive, and achingly beautiful bond we shared still exists in my memories and in my photo album.

My heart feels tired, like a muscle over exerted but not necessarily injured. A muscle challenged to it's limits but unbroken. And in that aching sweetness - in that realization that all this time i've felt broken, i was just exerted beyond what i thought were my limits - I feel whole. So "I love you like never before" is not only for the two of them, not just for my memories, but for me - for the woman I am. She survived this and she is whole. And for that I love her - like never before.