ScallionLove

vali-dating - (v.) The art of courtship for the sake of building one's self-esteem and/or self-appreciation.

("vali-dating" - word coined by Lindsay Erb)

So Cuz (Lindsay) and I were discussing this phenomenon the other day. I mean, for centuries people have been looking to others to make them feel better about themselves. However, in this technologically-saturated world we live in, we seem to have made it easier for people to go on dates without the intention to pursue a relationship, get to know another human being better, or even to get booty (although that can be a secondary goal among validaters) - rather, they go on dates in order to feel attractive, sought after, and well....dateable.

It's become something of a drug, the internet dating scene. When you can wake up, sleepily pad over to your computer, turn it on, plop down and find a list of men/women in your email inbox who find you atleast somewhat attractive - well, shit, who needs Prozac? We've made it so easy to get our daily dose of validation; is internet dating the new narcotic? I mean - it's got all the criteria - costs money, can make you look like an idiot, usually approached out of need or desperation, and (most importantly) over time, you have to have more and more to feel satisfied.

This is where vali-dating comes into play. Suddenly just the list of anonymous faces isn't cutting it anymore. Now you need someone to tell you you're attractive in person. And so we justify in our minds - "well, he's nice enough and he thinks i'm really pretty, so i'll go out with him." This is all well and good for the first few dates, but after a while.....the drug wears off and you're left with the hangover - aka someone you've been communicating with/seeing for a while who you're not particularly interested in, but who thinks you are. Ladies and gentlemen, such is the cycle of vali-dating.

I think this is why people stop emailing after a while - they realize (cognitively or subconsciously) that they don't actually like the person and that they were only in it for the attention. This is where the "steady back-down" is usually implemented. You know, the "i'm going to be really busy over the next few days" and then they never call/email again. In most cases the other person gets the message pretty quickly (as they, like most of us, have done some vali-dating themselves). Sometimes, however, because of a tender-heart or just general density, they don't get it. And, the vali-dater winds up having to skirt all calls and emails and maybe even have the "i'm not ready for this" or "we just don't have a lot in common" or "we're in different places" talk.

So here's the moral of the story. Be careful who you connect with online. If you're only talking to people for the purposes of vali-dating, you might wind up doing the avoi-dance.....and that, like watching 'Skating with the Stars,' is an activity enjoyed by no one.

DISCLAIMER: The writer of this blog makes no judgements about vali-dating or the avoi-dance. She's been on both sides of that tango.

John. I met John on the CL shortly after the fiasco that was the date with Robert. John's response to my second post was very funny. And the pictures he sent along were veeeeeeery easy on the eyes. He seemed intelligent and funny, so immediately i was interested.

We chatted online for a few weeks since this initial contact was over Thanksgiving. Lots of good banter which was exactly what i needed at the time (this was when my step-dad was going through his esophagectomy).

I came back to NY with the intention of meeting this person ASAP (lest he turn out to be another Robert). We were G-chatting at work one day when he informed me that his poker night had ben cancelled and could i meet for a drink? I agreed, and at 6:00 ventured uptown to the magical land of Midtown East to meet John.

So I waited for him, as planned, in the starbucks. All the chairs were occupied, however. I remember thinking, "damnit, i want to look comfortable, like i'm completely cool with myself and brimming with confidence,"....which of course requres sitting down (this is where i start to go a little crazy). So I end up sitting on what i think was some kind of HVAC unit near the door of the Starbucks, waiting for John. I'm kind of hidden, though, behind a sign for Pumpkin Pie lattes. Yeah, so i'm sitting on a faux-wood paneled air conditioner, peeking out from behind a sign for over-priced faux-pumpkin beverage....smoooooth, Mitchell, smooooooth...

Anyway, he manages to find me. And, to my delight, the pictures he sent were accurate. We shake hands and begin walking to the bar he's chosen. (This is where the real Mitchell moves kicked in). I can barely keep up with him. John is charging about 3 steps ahead of me (i'm in 4" boots), telling me that he feels bad about leaving work early for this date. (ummm, ooookaaaaay. Sorry...my bad?)

I notice there seems to be something really intense about John. He's good looking and nicely built, yes, but it's as if there's a current running through his whole body. Everything he does is with deliberation and great energy. He seems poised, ready for a fight or a woman....whichever should come first....(cheesy but accurate). Perhaps this is why i overlooked his demeanor....and well, that kind of intensity can be sexy.

We arrive at the bar and are seated on a private balcony. There are little christmas lights all around; it's kind of like the dinner scene from Kate and Leopold only smaller. The ambiance and (i'm hoping) flattering light give me confidence. I ask him questions and laugh and get excited about his answers. I can see his comfort with me growing. But, then it's like i'm watching myself out-of-body....I can't stop. I AM A FLIRTING MACHINE! I would maintain even now that I did almost everything right during this part of the date....apparently he agreed because he suggested we go to dinner. But, really, i should have reeled it in...def. laughed at too many jokes and batted my eyelashes too much...(ah the ignorance of youth).

Dinner is AMAZING. We have a few cocktails at the bar while we wait for a table. He is charming and more comfortable now. He smiles, touches the small of my back, and makes a lot of eye contact. There are no akward silences and i'm a little buzzed. The conversation turns to movies and i make a fatal error, "no, i've never seen..."

THIS is the sentence that spawned John convincing me to come back to his place to watch this movie (because apparently it's a mortal sin that i haven't seen it already.) He agrees no funny stuff, i tell him i am skilled in the art of removing his lymph nodes should he go back on his word, and we depart for his domicile.

John's apartment is nice. It's in midtown and it's HUGE. We sit down and have a glass of wine and begin the movie. Starts out ok...buuuuuuut then there's some kissing.....aaaaaaaaaaand then there's some making out. In my head, i'm thinking, "so this is nice. yeah, i mean, he's a great kisser and i'm really attracted to him." DUMBASS Anyway, this is the point at which that current i was talking about seems to get unleashed. We don't have sex, but do go a little further than i would consider acceptable behavior, and John is like some kind of wild animal who has to be kept at bay.

I left the date not knowing what to think. I mean, everything about it was nice, but I knew I shouldn't have let "things" go that far. Something in my gut said, "you gave up the power, this isn't going to work." Over the next few weeks, communication with John subsided. For the longest time, i didn't get it.

Until John, himself, explained it to me (well, he wasn't talking about himself, just musing about men in general.....or something). He said that, for guys, making plans with a girl is only worthwhile if the prospect of getting laid outweighs him giving up whatever else he might have been doing the night of the date. And, for that matter, once a guy knows he can get some from a girl, that power alone is better than actually seeing the girl....so it's on to the next conquest. Granted, I don't think his applies to all men....just ones of a certain mentality. But, i see some validity here. Guess that's why Grandma always said, "no one's going to buy the whole ice cream truck when you're giving out the popsicles for free!"

Ugh, hate that she was right. I mean, aren't we supposed to be liberated women, restricted by the ties of no man? Hmmm...well, perhaps we're moving in that direction, but we're definitely not there yet.

So, lessons learned here:

Don't go to anyone's home on the first date (DUH!)
Cabernet and a sexy italian man will almost always lead to a little somethin' somethin'
Mexican food can be an aphrodisiac
If he's got a leather couch, RUN LIKE THE WIND
If you leave the date feeling any emotion other than, "that went well. i'd like to see him again," it probably isn't going to work out.

This is a test.  Try not to read into that too much.

Are you getting cold sweats?  Hands clammy?  Just picture the ocean...

But try not to think, "We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Welcome to ScallionLove.  Have your #2 pencil ready.

The glow illuminates your face
Repeated numbers dictate depleted sentiments
You're gone

My Best Friend in DNA
We are Sisters
Sisters who have to try
You're gone

Your life spirals around his
Time only exists in segments
Shaded out on Saturday and Sunday
I try to adapt, but
You're gone

My confidant, my friend, my other
I wasn't alone if I had you
I could call anytime
No cell reception at his place
You're gone

Will we be like our mothers?
Taking opposite routes
around the same obstacle
Ending up together on the other side?

Or will you disappear?
Will the road take you elsewhere?
Reappearing only on Christmas Day
My friend and playmate
You're gone

It seems so long ago...my first internet-inspired date. His email was in response to my first post on Craigslist. He seemed nice enough - 30, an attorney, and his photo looked reasonably attractive. So, the following Sunday, I made a date with Robert to have lunch at Daisy's Diner on 5th Ave.

That day, I charged up 9th street from the 4th Ave. subway stop; it was still very warm out for fall, so I was sweating (well, I was already sweating out of nervousness). And I thought, "What in the bloody hell am I doing? It hasn't been that long since Art and I broke up - obviously I'm not ready for a new relationship." But I continued to charge. You see, the insidious seeds of "if I just go about this with a plan - knowing what I want and trusting my gut - I'll be ok," had already taken root...

As I reached the top of the hill, I had actually managed to muster some confidence. I was feeling good as I turned the corner - relatively sure of myself and was even thinking that I was something of a "catch"........... until I saw him. He was nervously shifting from one foot to the other, next to the bus stop shelter that was in front of the diner. Realizing immediately that the picture he'd sent me must have been at least 10 years old, I thought, "if I back away slowly, I'll bet I can round the corner before he turns around. I'll call, make something up, anything!" But, I didn't...I didn't want to stand him up, so I approached him in all his windbreaker-and-black-tapered-leg-jeans glory and said, "Hi. I'm Jessica," and extended my hand.

His face looked pained as he received my greeting. He managed to extend his hand to shake mine, but didn't separate his thumb from the rest of his fingers, so it was a bit like I was shaking hands with a dolphin that'd given me its flipper (his hand was cold and clammy like a flipper, too). I said, "Well, shall we have a bite to eat?" He replied (with his face still in apparent agony), "Uh, I guess so." So we went in and sat down. After a few awkward moments spent in silence while we both perused the menu, the conversation began. We managed to start off ok, talking about hobbies and interests, backgrounds and travel experiences until I asked the fateful question, "So you just came from church?"

Let me back up - Robert had told me the night before that he'd be coming from church on the upper west side. I thought this strange, as it's a hell of a trip from bkln. to the UWS, but whatever - to each his own. Anyway, he said, "Yes. I go every Sunday." Oh greeeeeaaat.....super religious.......so not my thing. "Oh, that's nice," I said. "Why do you travel so far uptown?" "Well, it's a Russian Orthodox church, he replied." uhhhhhhhh? "I see. Are you Russian?" "No, I'm just really into Russian culture. what? "Yeah, I like to keep up on the language. Plus, most of my friends are Russian." so at this point, i'm pushing my BLT around the plate (it was pretty gross) wondering what in the hell i'd gotten myself into when he followed with, "Yeah, I just really like Russian culture. Sometimes, when I stay after church, they let me help scrape candle wax off the altar." W.T.F. "Also, they sell really cheep food in the basement." Here, I couldn't help myself. I said, "Russian food, by any chance?" "Of course," he responded quizzically, obviously confused by my sarcasm, which he had interpreted as stupidity.

So at this point I'm more than a little disappointed with the way this date is going. I'm considering faking a raging bout of explosive diarrhea when he asks, "so, uh, what do you do?" I told him and he replied with, "Oh, that's cool. I'm a Drivers Ed instructor and a cab driver." exqueeze me? I didn't point out here that he had obviously lied about being an attorney. He didn't seem to remember that that's what he had told me.

Quickly changing the subject I asked about what he does for fun. He said, "Well, most of my friends are Russian." color me surprised "I translate things for them. But, sometimes we don't understand each other." Thinking this situation was a bit strange, I said, "Oh, that must be tough. So, do you keep in touch with people from high school/college?" He said, "No, most of them have just faded away." uhhhhh…. "Oh, you mean, they've moved away from the city?," I asked. "No, they just faded away…." Holy shitballs, they're buried beneath your floor boards!!!!!

I should mention that he's been staring at my breasts for the ENTIRE date. Also, the illegal immigrant bus boys are looking at me with serious pity in their eyes. Like, the awfulness of this date has distracted THEM from my boobs. That's just unnatural.

So this is the point at which I made an excuse about having to be somewhere and got the heck out of dodge. The whole damn thing lasted 24 agonizing minutes. You'd think I would have learned my lesson, or at the least that this experience would have scared me out of doing it again…but, oh no. The agony would continue…..____