ScallionLove

since I lost a sister. I switched my things from my winter purse to my more floral, girly summer purse today. This should have been a joyous occasion as it is a recognition of the budding leaves, warming air, and smiling faces that I am seeing more of each day. However, said girly purse was purchased in Florence, Italy when I was there a year ago. This memory coupled with the warm weather reminded me of Gretta. Gretta. I think her name everyday, but seldom speak it. Gretta was someone I thought I would know and love forever. In Italy, we were roommates and travelling buddies. More than that really, I came to love her like a sister. We experienced things in Italy that were spiritually igniting, tasted foods more potent and delicious than anything we thought existed, and talked about every intimacy sisters would discuss. I was there for her when she broke up with Ben. She was there for me through my fling with Bob.

Bob is not terribly attractive or smart. He probably won't make much money in life. But, knowing him awakened feelings in me I thought either weren't there or had been singed beyond usage by my painful relationship with my Dad and my overly-emotional co-dependent relationship with my ex Mike. These were feelings of honest to goodness admiration. Bob is funny, articulate, and pretty aware of the world around him. I'm not sure if it was these qualities that made me fall in love with him, the bewitching Tuscan countryside, or the fact that knowing him had awakened emotions I never thought myself capable. But, whatever, for the first time in my life, I fell for someone without any regard whatsoever for whether or not they felt something for me. Oh yeah, Bob had a girlfriend.....a girlfriend he went back to after Italy. It wasn't the physical stuff between us, although that was better than average, that made me want him, it was the admiration I felt....truly unbridled respect and awe at how rare and different he seemed.

Last fall, after he broke up with the girlfriend, he and I started hanging out again. He would tell me how smart, articulate, and beautiful I was. It started as friendship, but turned into something more (a physical/friendship/cuddling relationship that to this day, i'm sure, he would deny as being anything special. yeah....ouch.) Again, I deluded myself into thinking that it meant something and that he just wasn't ready to call it what i wanted it to be......a relationship.

A couple of weeks had gone by since Bob and I had spent time alone together. Gretta and I were in attendance for his much anticipated Halloween party. He didn't pay me much attention, so I spent the night mostly with Gretta and her friends. After a walk downtown, losing most of the group, including Gretta, and having to wake up my roommate, Angie, to come get me at five am, I went home.

Another few weeks went by. I didn't hear much from either of them. Something in the back of my brain started to wonder....They had classes together, they had been hanging out. I couldn't shake the thought that maybe Bob and Gretta were dating(.....or something.....since he appeared allergic to the concept.) I IMed both of them a few times with little or no response.

Tuesday night...I dreamt that we were in Italy again, and that Gretta was telling me she was sleeping with Bob. I was surrounded by the most beautiful memories I have, but facing worst, most unexpected betrayal of my life. I called her Thursday with the intention of asking her directly if what I feared was fact. I said, "Have you heard from Bob lately?" She responded, "Yeah, I have to talk to you about that."

The ensuing, devastating (although short) conversation enlightened me to the fact that they had been dating for a few weeks......and that I should be "adult" about it.....and that she loved me......but it "just happened"......

Through my tears, disbelief, and immesurable overwhelming anger, I wished her all the best in her life, told her I hoped she would always be happy, told her never to contact me again and hung up.

I thought by now i'd be over it. Truthfully, I couldn't give a shit about Bob anymore. I was always too good for him and I know that. And, i'm in a relationship now that makes me very happy. But, I miss her. I had to let go of so many wonderful memories from the best five weeks of my life when she betrayed me. I want to be able to look through that photo album (which I haven't looked at since I ripped all the pictures of them out of it) and really smile. But, there is too much vinegar in the olive oil to enjoy the rich taste. I miss the flavors. I miss my memories. I miss my friend.